FAMOUS PUPPET DEATH SCENES
AN UNRELENTING MASSACRE OF LITTLE TINY PEOPLE
Who could forget the first time they saw a puppet die? It’s one of the most emotionally devastating experiences a person can have. When an otherwise inanimate object with cute googly eyes and a funny voice come to life before our eyes, it fills us with such delight and wonder — and then to see that life snatched away drives a dagger deep into our psyches, a dagger which then opens up at the pointy end to reveal a little dagger mouth, that screams inside of our hearts in a little tiny squeaky voice: “please, no, don’t let the puppet die! For in that puppet’s death, do I not sense the dread whispers of my own impending mortality?”
Great works of art ask questions like that – questions that maybe can’t ever truly be answered, but must be asked again and again by each generation anew, even though the answer is actually in this case pretty obviously “yep." And so each generation creates a new masterpiece of puppet theatre, which becomes the fulcrum of our collective hopes and fears. Eternal works like Bipsy and Mumu Go to the Zoo by Fun Freddy or Nordo Frot’s The Feverish Heart have not only defined their eras, they have shown us who we really are, deep down, where nobody else can see. We owe those puppeteers so, so much. They are the weavers of our dreams.
But my God who’s got the time these days to see an entire puppet show? Of course, back before the internet, people were used to being bored, so they could sit still for a surprising amount of time without wondering if they were missing something cooler happening somewhere else. But now we expect our emotional devastation to be delivered like a kung fu punch to our soft bits so we can move on to the next intense experience as quickly as possible. And so the Old Trout Puppet Workshop has gathered together, for your existential anguish, ONLY THE MOST DRAMATIC BITS of the GREATEST MASTERWORKS OF PUPPET THEATRE throughout history: namely, the part where the puppet dies. No need to sit through laborious exposition or plotting or character development – we leap straight to the laserbeam point, like the K-Tel Greatest Hits Album that has every single song that has ever made you cry, with the volume cranked up to fuckin’ full.
In all honesty, it’s a horrible thing to experience. If you’re thinking about buying tickets, you should go do something more cheerful. You only have so much time left.
Warning: Famous Puppet Death Scenes contains stage fog, strobe lighting, abrupt noises, unnecessary cruelty to inanimate objects, and hot hot puppet nudity. Not recommended for the emotionally fragile. Please weep uncontrollably only into the buckets provided. Only darkness awaits.